Undercover Pastor

One of my sabbatical goals was to read through the New Testament this summer – the church leadership called it “scriptural immersion.”  I was surprised by my resistance to doing it.  My significant burnout was one factor, but that wasn’t the whole story.

When I started seminary, I read an article that talked about the danger of making Bible-reading and prayer into part of my professional job description rather than a spiritual discipline, but I didn’t expect it to happen to me.

It makes sense.  I used to do computer programming as a hobby – until I started doing that for a living.  Who wants to go home and do more work?  I didn’t.  It was no longer a fun thing I did for myself.

Reading the Bible and even setting aside specific times for prayer were painted with the same brush as church administration, expense reports, newsletter articles, and even preaching.  Stuff I have to do.  As I became more and more burned out, more things moved from the “Things I’m Passionate About” list to the “Things I Have to Do for My Job” list.  At some point, without my realizing it, reading the Bible became something to do because I needed to teach a Bible study or preach.  Not a good place to be if you consider that we don’t live by bread alone but by the Word of God.

God was gracious and gentle with me during that time, but I always had a sense that it wasn’t supposed to be this hard.  Part of the difficulty came from turning the things God intends as a blessing to all Christians into an obligation for a job.

So I didn’t finish reading the New Testament – that felt like an obligation.  But I did get to re-experience the joy of reading the Bible.  I can read any part that strikes my fancy that day.  I can research a topic I’m interested in.  Or I can just experience the comfort of one of my favorite Psalms.

I’m not quite out of detox yet, and it will be a challenge as I re-enter my pastoral role to make sure I don’t slide back into seeing it as an obligation/job requirement.

Anyone have ideas?  Let me know!

I’m about halfway through a three-week vacation from my position as pastor of Trinity Presbyterian Church.  After 5-1/2 years as pastor with no more than two weeks off at any one time (except to have kids!), I started to feel tired, and it was taking more and more to recover.  I later learned that psychologists have a name for that concept: “resiliency.”

It’s kind of like some rechargeable batteries – they become less and less able to hold a charge over time.  More charging and less powering.  I was like that – less able to deal with adversity, less able to recharge, less able to think creatively.  I think the real answer will be a sabbatical in 2010, but for now, I’m taking a break, looking at new habits that will help me to be healthy and effective.

I don’t want to be like a worn out laptop battery, and I’m not planning on allowing myself to get so worn down that I can’t do my job.

If you’ve lost your resiliency – especially if you’re a pastor – it’s worth the effort to recover that ability.  For me this vacation is different than any other I’ve had.  My focus this time isn’t on escaping from my work but on allowing God to renew me, restore me, and transform me.

Jesus says, “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”  (Matthew 11:29)  Jesus clearly states that one can wear his yoke andfind rest for one’s soul.  That’s all I’m looking for. 

I’ll let you know how it goes!

The word pastor comes from our job as shepherds.  Of course, Jesus is the real shepherd, but we pastors try our best to represent him well as we seek to care for his flock.  Jesus taught us that he’s the kind of shepherd who cares if a single sheep goes astray and wanders into danger, away from the flock (Luke 15:3-7).  But it turns out that being that kind of shepherd hurts a lot.

Right now in our church, we have people hurting, someone dying, people grieving (including me and my family for the loss of my grandma), people struggling to make it financially, people in difficult relationships, people with ongoing health problems and pain…  Lots of stuff.  And I’m finding it harder to handle than it ws five years ago.  The thing is that these aren’t just “people I know.”  They’re friends and part of my church family.  When your family is suffering, you hurt too.

Now the trick to dealing with all of this is to realize that I am not really the shepherd.  I can reach out, but I can’t heal people’s pain.  Only the real shepherd, Jesus himself, can do that.  I try to offer my hurting friends and family to Jesus for his care.  But he hasn’t made me of stone so it hurts along the way.

Even Jesus himself cried, so I know that I’m not doing it wrong.  People teach “detachment” and “strong boundaries,” but if they keep us from loving and connecting with people, they’re not from God.  Still, even Jesus had to face situations in which people he loved wouldn’t receive him (e.g., Mark 10:17-22)

I’m hurting right now, but only because I’ve allowed myself to care about people.  I do not believe that a life free of pain because it’s free of caring is worthy of a Christian – particularly a pastor.  Pain comes with the job and so does joy, in its season.

Tomorrow is the fifth anniversary of my first day as pastor at Trinity Presbyterian Church.  I can still clearly remember talking to the pastor nominating committee at my face-to-face interview with them back in 2003.  After they asked me their questions, I asked them a few, including what would you to see happen in the next 5 to 10 years.  Now that’s a pretty safe sandbox to play in, right?  Five to 10 years is a long way out.  You can really dream.  And they did.

They started with some basic, practical ideas.  We’d like to have some younger people in the church.  We’d like to be able to meet our current budget.  (They church was a long way from that back in 2003 and was using a bequest to make up the shortfall.)  We need a new generation of leaders.  Then the big dreams started – we’d like to have an associate pastor.  We need a new church building – but let’s keep the existing one too.

Everyone was excited about those ideas then.  But it hadn’t occurred to me that part of the reason dreaming is fun is that the dream is not going to become real.  You don’t have to deal with the details, the scary parts, or what you might lose if the dream came true…

What’s happened at our church is that it looks like we will actually need a larger space in the not-so-distant future.  What will we do?  Dreams are a lot of fun.  Solving real space, staffing, and budget problems is real work!  Our church leadership will have to be very careful to bring along the whole congregation as we work toward being the church we’re called to be!

I preached on sex, lust, and divorce on Sunday.  Blech!

I knew that I needed to do it, but I sure didn’t like the idea of standing in front of a whole group of people and talking about sex.  Heck, I don’t want to talk to a small group of people about sex.  And my parents were there too!

So I did it anyway, and I have to tell you, I haven’t been this uncomfortable preaching for years.  But at the same time, I knew that it was important and good.

What really made me nervous was the idea that people would become angry and defensive.  Or that they’d hear me as telling them that they had to clean up their lives to earn God’s love.  I didn’t want to sound condemning, but I wanted to speak God’s truth about what God wants for our lives.

I was amazed to get good feedback from people.  Several people told me that what I had to say was helpful and that they were trying to work on things but weren’t sure how.  One person shared feedback with me that I knowwill improve a marriage.  Another person bought the book I recommended and is looking for a group to discuss it in.

God was amazingly gracious and worked through my nervous obedience to do some very cool things.  Now what was I afraid of?

If you have a half hour free, you can listen at http://www.trinitywestsac.org/podcast/archives/94

I am learning more and more that I can trust that when God calls us to something, it may be difficult, but God works powerfully through it, and the fruits that come from the action are good.

About a year ago, I was at a ministry conference and someone I had been talking to the day before came up to me and said, “I have a message for you, Steve!” “Uh, OK…” I replied. “The message is that you’re ministry is on hold until you can stop caring what people think.”

Now, that isn’t a license to do whatever you want and to run rough-shod over people. What I believe he meant was that a pastor is called on to do what’s right and what God calls him/her to do, and that sometimes isn’t popular.

What the people wants isn’t always what God wants. The Bible is full of stories about how God spoke to one person or a small group and then did things that nobody thought were possible.

What brought this up for me tonight is that Tom Smith – our Wednesday ministry speaker – was talking about Moses receiving the Law up on Mount Sinai and what was happening below. While Moses was up getting the rules God wanted the people to live by during their time in the wilderness, the people – including their high priest – were making and worshiping a golden calf.

Moses was furious! Why did Moses’ brother Aaron make a golden calf for the people to worship?

“Do not be angry, my lord,” Aaron answered. “You know how prone these people are to evil. They said to me, ‘Make us gods who will go before us. As for this fellow Moses who brought us up out of Egypt, we don’t know what has happened to him.’ So I told them, ‘Whoever has any gold jewelry, take it off.’ Then they gave me the gold, and I threw it into the fire, and out came this calf!” Exodus 32:22-24

The people asked him to so he did. Is that a good reason? Is that the right way to do ministry? No way.