It’s kind of like some rechargeable batteries – they become less and less able to hold a charge over time.  More charging and less powering.  I was like that – less able to deal with adversity, less able to recharge, less able to think creatively.  I think the real answer will be a sabbatical in 2010, but for now, I’m taking a break, looking at new habits that will help me to be healthy and effective.

I don’t want to be like a worn out laptop battery, and I’m not planning on allowing myself to get so worn down that I can’t do my job.

If you’ve lost your resiliency – especially if you’re a pastor – it’s worth the effort to recover that ability.  For me this vacation is different than any other I’ve had.  My focus this time isn’t on escaping from my work but on allowing God to renew me, restore me, and transform me.

Jesus says, “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”  (Matthew 11:29)  Jesus clearly states that one can wear his yoke andfind rest for one’s soul.  That’s all I’m looking for. 

I’ll let you know how it goes!

Right now in our church, we have people hurting, someone dying, people grieving (including me and my family for the loss of my grandma), people struggling to make it financially, people in difficult relationships, people with ongoing health problems and pain…  Lots of stuff.  And I’m finding it harder to handle than it ws five years ago.  The thing is that these aren’t just “people I know.”  They’re friends and part of my church family.  When your family is suffering, you hurt too.

Now the trick to dealing with all of this is to realize that I am not really the shepherd.  I can reach out, but I can’t heal people’s pain.  Only the real shepherd, Jesus himself, can do that.  I try to offer my hurting friends and family to Jesus for his care.  But he hasn’t made me of stone so it hurts along the way.

Even Jesus himself cried, so I know that I’m not doing it wrong.  People teach “detachment” and “strong boundaries,” but if they keep us from loving and connecting with people, they’re not from God.  Still, even Jesus had to face situations in which people he loved wouldn’t receive him (e.g., Mark 10:17-22)

I’m hurting right now, but only because I’ve allowed myself to care about people.  I do not believe that a life free of pain because it’s free of caring is worthy of a Christian – particularly a pastor.  Pain comes with the job and so does joy, in its season.

They started with some basic, practical ideas.  We’d like to have some younger people in the church.  We’d like to be able to meet our current budget.  (They church was a long way from that back in 2003 and was using a bequest to make up the shortfall.)  We need a new generation of leaders.  Then the big dreams started – we’d like to have an associate pastor.  We need a new church building – but let’s keep the existing one too.

Everyone was excited about those ideas then.  But it hadn’t occurred to me that part of the reason dreaming is fun is that the dream is not going to become real.  You don’t have to deal with the details, the scary parts, or what you might lose if the dream came true…

What’s happened at our church is that it looks like we will actually need a larger space in the not-so-distant future.  What will we do?  Dreams are a lot of fun.  Solving real space, staffing, and budget problems is real work!  Our church leadership will have to be very careful to bring along the whole congregation as we work toward being the church we’re called to be!

July 18th’s morning reading from Morning and Evening:

“They shall go hindmost with their standards.” — Numbers 2:31

The camp of Dan brought up the rear when the armies of Israel were on the march. The Danites occupied the hindmost place, but what mattered the position, since they were as truly part of the host as were the foremost tribes; they followed the same fiery cloudy pillar, they ate of the same manna, drank of the same spiritual rock, and journeyed to the same inheritance. Come, my heart, cheer up, though last and least; it is thy privilege to be in the army, and to fare as they fare who lead the van. Some one must be hindmost in honour and esteem, some one must do menial work for Jesus, and why should not I? In a poor village, among an ignorant peasantry; or in a back street, among degraded sinners, I will work on, and “go hindmost with my standard.”

The Danites occupied a very useful place. Stragglers have to be picked up upon the march, and lost property has to be gathered from the field. Fiery spirits may dash forward over untrodden paths to learn fresh truth, and win more souls to Jesus; but some of a more conservative spirit may be well engaged in reminding the church of her ancient faith, and restoring her fainting sons. Every position has its duties, and the slowly moving children of God will find their peculiar state one in which they may be eminently a blessing to the whole host.

The rear guard is a place of danger.There are foes behind us as well as before us. Attacks may come from any quarter. We read that Amalek fell upon Israel, and slew some of the hindmost of them. The experienced Christian will find much work for his weapons in aiding those poor doubting, desponding, wavering, souls, who are hindmost in faith, knowledge, and joy. These must not be left unaided, and therefore be it the business of well-taught saints to bear their standards among the hindmost. My soul, do thou tenderly watch to help the hindmost this day.

There are some big churches who seem to be marching in to conquer the Promised Land with great resources,  filled with capable people who seem to have it all together.  But many of us smaller churches find ourselves in the tribe of Dan’s position – bringing up the rear and gathering those who have wandered away or who have been left behind in the march. We have an awful lot of people in our congregation who have been hurt by churches. Welcoming them is a really important calling, and one that smaller churches may be uniquely qualified to handle.

It may not be glamorous, but Jesus had different ideas about position and status than we do. In Matthew 19:30, he tells us that “many who are last will be first and many who are first will be last.”  I believe that helping those who have been left behind by those ahead is something Jesus celebrates.

Yes, Joshua has discovered the fine art of continuing to ask until you get the answer you want.  Dave Barney, a system software director I worked for for a while, called it “toddler syndrome.”  People did it in big technology companies too.  Just keep asking people at all levels of the organization until you find someone who will give the answer you want.  Sometimes even the corporate big wigs would do.  It’s like something out of a Dilbert comic strip:

Corporate VP to software development manager: “Can you get the project finished by the end of this month?”
Software manager: “No, even if we finished today, the testing cycle would last longer than that.”

Corporate VP to software development manager’s boss: “Can you get the project finished by the end of this month?”
Software manager’s boss: “I don’t see why not!”

That got us into a lot of trouble in the computer business.  It gets me into trouble at home too.  “What did you just tell Joshua?”

But it’s most dangerous in our lives as Christians.  People look for churches or small groups or friends who will tell them that whatever they want to do or not do, or to believe or not believe, is OK.  We don’t want to face difficult truths, and today, there is enough variety of belief and practice out there that we don’t have to.

Sometimes that saves us from error or persecution.  Sometimes it lets us continue down paths that harm us and others.

I wish Joshua had been honest with me.  In this case, Mom said no to the request for apple juice because she was taking care of the baby.  It was no problem for me to get the little guy some juice.  But the “toddler syndrome” kept us from getting to the root issue.  I hope more of us can get to that point in our faith too.

But if you’re expecting me to write about that, you’re in for a surprise.

This year, we have a baby coming – Lydia will be her name.  In fact, she’s coming tomorrow.  She will either come naturally in the wee hours or else at 9:00 a.m. via c-section.  She may have a problem with her kidneys – we’ll have to find out after she’s born.  Also, we’re buying a house – we should be closing escrow next week and moving right after Christmas.  And to qualify for the loan, we had to fix a bunch of stuff in and around our current house and find someone to rent it by the 15th.  (It’s nearly impossible to sell a house right now in our market.)

For some people, that might not be a big deal.  But I only have so much ability to handle things that are out of my control and that still have significant effects on my family, on the church, and on me.  Right now, there’s absolutely no way that I can lay out a plan for the next month.  I don’t even know what all of the variables are.  It hurts my brain when I try to plan…

That makes is much easier to let go.  I don’t know what the church budget should look like.  I don’t know when to plan to move.  I have to plan the house maintenance one day at a time.  I certainly can’t make the baby come or do anything to prevent the c-section (though we did by an exercise ball )  Each thing falls into place as it falls into place.

I’ve been spending lots of time handing things over to God.  It’s a discipline.  I keep handing things over.  Baby, budget, old house, new house…  And God keeps coming through.  Already most of the house projects are done.  We got renters yesterday.  And baby Lydia will be on her way tomorrow.  Meanwhile, I’ll keep handing things over and trusting that God will handle the concerns of that day.  Jesus said it, and I’ve read it a hundred times:

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”  Matthew 6:34

But now, because I have no hope of controlling it all, I’m getting a chance to live it.  And, not surprisingly, Jesus is right.  I’ll let you know how it goes!

Lately, I’ve been doing a decent job of doing some light weight training on a semi-regular basis (boy, that sentence don’t claim a lot, does it?)  Anyway, every so often, I bump up my weights, and I can really “feel the burn” as my muscles work harder than they’re accustomed to working.  There’s something satisfying about the burn even though it’s really hard, and I’m getting stronger because I’m willing push and increase the weight instead of getting comfortable with my routine.

Well, the last couple of months have been the same way for me as a leader.  I’m “feeling the burn” there.  It’s really hard, but I can tell that I’m growing.  I can see that as the church grows and develops, it requires more from me as a leader.  And the only way to get there is to “work out” as a leader.  I know what’s good for me, and I need to push through it.

The other approach would be to declare it “too hard” or decide that I can’t do it because it doesn’t come easily.  Well, I’m deciding not to do that.  I can choose to see this as “feeling the burn” instead of “stressed out beyond belief.”

That choice of perspective makes a big difference.  I’m even looking forward to my evaluation as a way to grow some more and develop the capacity I need to do my job and to be a more effective disciple of Jesus Christ.

Have you “felt the burn”?  What was it like for you?

Last spring another pastor said that he had a word for me: ”God has your ministry on hold until you can stop worryign about what other people think.”  OUCH!  Do I really let what other people think affect my actions as a pastor.  Am I a leader swayed by the whims of the crowd?  Well, sure, I listen to others.  We’re supposed to.  After all, those of us in the Reformed family of churches believe that it’s easier to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit in groups than in person…

But what about those times when I know that something is right, but I expect it to be unpopular.  Or what about those times when someone sends me an email complaining about what I preached.  Or what about the times when I know that addressing a particular verse in my sermon will set someone off…  Do those things change my course of action?  That’s not right!

Pontius Pilate knew that Jesus was innocent:

“‘Do you want me to release to you the king of the Jews?’ asked Pilate, knowing it was out of envy that the chief priests had handed Jesus over to him.” (Mark 5:9-10)

So what did he do?  He allowed Jesus to be crucified to please the people.  That’s not the good kind of listening to the people.  I don’t want to allow myself to be turned away from God’s will in order to avoid conflict…

I don’t want to satisfy the crowd at the price of crucifying Jesus – or even to satisfy the crowd at the price of turning from Jesus’ plan for me and for my church.  The price is just too high.

You’ll never get out of the starting gate that way.  At least play with ideas.  Consider them.  Work on them.  Maybe there are too many problems, but you may come up with the right idea while pursuing the “wrong” one.

Allow yourself some space to explore!